tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-179855492024-03-08T15:34:23.978-08:00Daily wisdomThis blog is to help me understand me and help you understand me and maybe yourselves as well. Each time I write on here I find new insight and discover a different perspective that helps me continue on my journey.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-46391646380147210312006-12-13T23:17:00.000-08:002006-12-24T23:35:21.356-08:00Vulnerable Life<span style="font-family:times new roman;font-size:130%;">Life, they say is precious! What have you done with your? Mine, I can tell you, has reaffirmed the fragile essence of each day. I have become a pro at walking the tight rope; yet there is always the fear that I am going to fall. I used to look at my partner for the strength. I needed to keep walking the tight rope. Now I walk on my own enjoying the movement of my spirit, which flickers and swirls in each of my steps. I have learned that each day has the open possibility that is woven into the tightrope as I move along. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;">I noticed though when I look up from the tightrope, I see in the horizon may tighropes coming together; their colours amplied by the sunlight, the cascading colours of the day's sunset. I can close my eyes, if not just for a moment, and feel my tightrope intertwinning with others and making the rope expand. I no longer fear me falling. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;">Each day is filled with precious moments that weave the fibers of my rope enabling it to grow. The people around me either learn to see their own tight rope or they fear their own vulnerablity. Some people have come into our lives trying to break our connection with our work of creating the tight rope, others fear our ability to create because it forces them to see their own imperfections. Some people try to convince us that we can not survive without them and their words are empty with promises and dreams. Their dreams are empty when we actually have time to look at them, their purpose is to confuse and distract us from our fragile connection to life itself. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;">Find people who understand the vulnerablity that consists in life and you will find a person who can share is making your tight rope stronger. In the sea of human existence you will find many who do not understand and only want to consume life's precious moments, creating chaos. Those who understand Karma understand that those people who create chaos will recieve chaos and their lives will be filled with uncertantity and emptiness. </span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:130%;">Life is precious the road will never be straight for anyone of us but all we can hope for is someone to relate to the vulnerability that you are experiencing and maybe just maybe you will be lucky enough to share the happiness that you feel as the tight rope gains more fibers of experiences. </span>Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1162211327896013412006-10-30T03:56:00.000-08:002006-10-30T04:25:33.942-08:00Six monthsSix months of seperation, six months of trying to rediscover my own identity. It may seem like no time for some, however, for me, I can say that six months is a new lifetime. I have come to realize that I am so much better off emotionally without him. He was an <a href="mailto:*%*@(*$">*%*@(*$</a>@ but then again don't we say that about all our ex's. He's probably describing me as the same, but I know different. I'm not the one who screwed around and I'm not the one who destroyed dreams. So, I am not the one who bears the shame and guilt of this marriage dieing. <br /><br />Anyways, I am the one who will grow from this experience. I am the one who has learned to not get suckered in again by anyone and that if I do help a friend that I make sure that the limits are placed on the amount of help I provide. I will not let just anyone hold that title of friend. I will not let someone move in with me and stay until they drain me and my family then just throw me aside. <br /><br />I realize that I am worth more than I have accepted in the past, and that I regardless of my health deserve to be respected and cherished. I am a gift to this world, like so many others, I forgot that and became a piece of flesh to be used and abused and then discarded. Life is more than that and I am now in the head space where I can see that life is more than the superficial or the physical, at least it is for me. <br /><br />I can feel my heart skipping through each day, although my body isn't do the same, I can get work done and I can feel good about what is going on. I laugh at the fact that I put up with stuff I normally wouldn't. I have learned that I can not compromise my values and he was a BIG COMPROMISE. Oh well, live and learn I say.. live and learn. ...<br /><br />Another six months and I can get rid of all residue that is associated with him and really have a party. A divorce Party what a novel idea!Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1155885242961796532006-08-18T00:09:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.875-08:00Now what?It's 3:04am and I'm sitting here trying to figure out, now what?<br />The six years it has taken to get here and the person I thought I was going to celebrate with I can't even tell him. Now what?<br /><br />I know I'm going to move forward, it's just weird that the forward I envisioned no longer exists. Now what?<br />I am numb, I am numb, what direction? I don't know, now what?<br /><br />This is a time for celebration, I just don't want to get into it right now, but for the kids I have to put on a "happy face" Now what? Every friggin dream I had has been stripped from me and I am pissed that again happiness is illuded. Now what?<br /><br />I'm going to sit here and wait maybe I will get the answer to now what.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1155349282237298162006-08-11T19:03:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.814-08:00Another dayAnother day has come and gone. I've had somewhat of a productive day, however my thoughts keep drifting to time shared, laughter, and even dreams. It is amazing when things go a muck , like they sometimes do, how much pain can be created.<br /><br />I don't understand how people can intentionally hurt others, especially children, when they say they love them. I have come to realize that I am having to get comfortable with being a lone again. It's not that bad, it's just a different journey this time. Sure, I can say I miss a few things, however, I can not say I miss the lies and the tears.<br /><br />My birthday is coming up and I don't know how to approach it this time. I don't know if I just want to be alone. There are so many changes going on this time that I sometimes feel like I can't breath. My oldest daughter is about to embark on her adult journey. I'm happy with these pulses of growth that seem to be happening, however they are wrapped with a little bit of sadness because I will miss her deeply.<br /><br />The walls sometimes feel like they are closing in. Doors are closing all around me and I don't know which way to turn, maybe I should try? So, I stay cocooned in a state of existence that leaves me feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I need to get the world to stop spinning right now just so that I can breath and think about what path I should take. It's scarey. However, I know I must take the step and there is a part of me that feels that the future will be interesting. Maybe it's just hope speaking, I don't know.<br /><br />I know when I look in the mirror, I'm looking into the dreams of what once was and the possibilities of what could have been. I have become the shadow that no one wants and tired of being told it will get better.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1148473437509465552006-05-24T04:44:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.688-08:00This is me<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4876/1748/1600/gail2006.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: left; MARGIN: 0px 10px 10px 0px; CURSOR: hand" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4876/1748/320/gail2006.jpg" border="0" /></a><br />Gail, me and Mom and hey you and MagicWisdom these are just a few positive names that I have assigned to the face known as ME. <br /><br />Who is me? Well I'm 43 and will be 44 on September 1, yes that makes me a virgo. I like to create, and push my mind to explore new things and concepts. <br /><br />I am very selective regarding who I call friend, and I normally help as much as I can if my friends need it. <br />I am recently seperated and although I'm trying to look at this as a growth period, it can become overwhelming because of the changes that are occuring with my surroundings.<br /><br />I would say that right now, I am not in the market for anything serious, however, I am opened to possibilities to see what and where they take me. Life is a series of doors, which one must have the courage to open. I have told the kids I have a new motto, "Don't cure me just love me" I think most of what I experienced in my marriage is that my husband wanted to fix me and found out that he couldn't. In reality what I showed him is that he needed a lot of fixing and he couldn't do that either, so he ran. I'm not as bitter as I was in the beginning. I realise that the woman he is with is very insecure, because she felt it was important to tell me she was with him. and had been insecure with the way their relationship began, all I can say is once a cheater always a cheater, and she doesn't know everything that he has done since he has left me. Oh well, it's not my problem anymore.<br /><br />Now, I'm seeking a new path one that enables me to find my creativity again, find my passion again and find new adventures. Each day is a baby step in life as I walk away from the old and embrace the new. I will admit that sometimes the vindictive side wants to come out and say stuff that is mean, but I bite my tongue.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1147940094838786652006-05-18T01:07:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.552-08:00AccountabilityThe story began in 1962 and still continues today, when I look back and analyze my relationships with men. I have had four significant relationships where in every one of the relationships, I have felt less than human. Where does this come from? I know my childhood is racked with various forms of abuse by my stepfather and so continues his legacy in the men I have chosen for partner. Each one in their own right mirrors my step-father in some way, it is my dysfunctional comfort zone, which I must break and I must forge through my own personal hell in order to truly be free. The Goddess in me has become silent with rage because of the continuous battery of words, abandonment, and disrespect these men have shown me. However, I have invited these fragments of childhood memories into my adult life, so I must take responsibility and learn from my experiences.<br /><br />accountability begins with me! I must learn to identify the personality traits I need to change in order to become the woman screaming to be set free. I have been going to a site <a href="http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm">http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm</a> to learn what traits I have as a partner of Abusers. As I read through the list I began to shake, realizing I need to fix me in order to truly be a healthy person.<br /><br /><em><strong>1. Intense need for love:</strong></em> I realize that now, my six year relationship has been showing reminents of the past. The need to be loved and the desire to hold onto love at any cost is not only destroying my own self worth, I am showing that behavior to my children. God, WHAT AM I DOING! I have justified staying in this relationship because my need for affection has consumed me once again, my insecurities are rearing their ugly head and enabling me to become blind to the fact that I don't matter. This is WRONG thinking!<br />So my first step is to identify what I've done to contribute to my own demise and move on.<br /><br /><strong><em>2. Low Self-esteem: </em></strong>As a child, I grew up with comments of being stupid, feeling inadequate and helpless as one parent terrorized the family. I would grow up thinking that it was the enabler's fault because she didn't stop the physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. I began hating her until one day we had a long talk. I was changing physically, which forced me to re-evaluate the way I valued and viewed the world. I AM A SURVIVOR OF AN ALCHOLIC. However, I do not want to be a survivor I want to be a recovered and self assured individual. I realize that my low self-esteem is compounded by the psoriatic arthritis that has scared my body. Maybe my body is telling me something, that I need to heal from the inside out and if I feel ugly on the inside and not important than it is going to show on the outside. In my recent marriage, I experienced bouts of low self-esteem, especially when I was starting a new drug, or having a medical crisis. Although he never came out and said, I am ugly, he sure made me feel it, especially when he would turn to other women for comfort. His excuse, it helped him escape the reality that I was sick. In reality he was compounding my sickness by turning to other women. When I begged for his touch and I was denied, he said he didn't want to hurt me, yet he continued to hurt me by withdrawing from me and turning to someone else. I was not good enough, pretty enough, or stimulating enough to keep his attention. I look back an shake my head. My disease is my immune system, my immune system is me, either you love my immune system and love me or you don't. He doesn't! I need to Let Him Go!<br /><em><strong></strong></em><br /><em><strong>3. Drug or Alcohol Dependence.</strong></em> I can say I don't drink, but where do we draw the line on what we are talking about when it comes to the drugs, caffeine, smoking, ect. Am I one of THOSE people? As, I take another drag of my cigarette and blow the smoke out, sipping on Apple juice for a change. Coffee, is for later, first thing in the morning. Yet there is another addiction, food became a comfort zone for me. I realized that and now, it is viewed as life's nutrients and no more. The emotional attachment I associated with food is a craving no more. When I do crave, I acknowledge it as a craving and move on.<br /><br /><strong><em>4. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse. </em></strong>Well this one is a big fat YES YES YES. I am on a journey of understanding and enlightenment as I see the connection between my relationships and my childhood. I have gotten away from the physically abusive relationships and now am working on the emotional and sexual abuse. I should never feel like I have to beg for touch, for affection, or even beg to be made love too. This has happened so much in this relationship that is now coming to a close, it is maddening and again I feel like such an idiot for putting up with it.<br /><br /><strong><em>5. ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)</em></strong> My step-father was an alcoholic, I can put him in the past because he is no longer among the living, at least physically he is not. However he lives in me and this is what I have to shake. I need to learn how to become unpossessed by my childhood. This is work in progress, and I will be discussing this one at great lengths with my therapist.<br /><br /><strong><em>6. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. </em></strong>I can say, this one I don't have! I loved being a single mom, it took me awhile and when my husband first came up, he asked me to marry him and I said no. I just wanted to stay friends and not get into anything with anyone. Over time that changed because I ended up falling in love with him and marrying him. I married him because he made me laugh, he challenged my thinking and for the most part encouraged me to pursue my dreams. In the beginning he was attentive, however my deterioration was not at the point it was now. There was a future, a positive one at least that is what I thought, boy was I doing some serious wishful thinking! Instead of enjoying the good days and working through the bad days, hubby would run and I guess because I was afraid of what was going on with my body I became codependent. I would fall, I would shake, and I would fight the razor blade sensation that would consume my body. I tried to ignore the infidelity, people would say women have been doing it for years. No wonder a lot of women deal with self-esteem issues. I've been told I am strong you don't need him, yet I find myself wanting him and not doing my own running away. I know my marriage is over, yet there is this overwhelming desire to have what is not good for you.<br /><br /><strong><em>7. Enforced </em></strong><a href="http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abuse_rel_types.htm#*"><strong><em>isolation</em></strong></a><strong><em> creating resentment</em></strong>. Although he did not create the isolation I experienced, he accepted it and would leave me, alone in our room. It was just easier for him to do the groceries by himself because we would have to take the wheelchair. Even when I did go shopping with him, he would leave me in the middle of the isle, reinforcing my isolation and the fact that I needed him in order to survive. However, the light is here, at the end of the tunnel. I now have in place various social and community support that enables me to continue on with my work, I am ending this relationship on a positive note, which means I can be proud of my accomplishments, I can appreciate my physical limitations, and I no longer struggle with being physically or psychologically locked in my room. I was locking myself in and now I'm setting myself free.<br /><br /><strong><em>8. Strong need for a relationship to validate them. </em></strong>WOW! Finally one personality trait I can say I can not relate to. In the past I would say, yes I thought being in a relationship was validating me but now I can truly say NO WAY. I am me healing, I don't need to be in a relationship to feel like a person. Relationships are suppose to be a complementing thing that makes both people feel good and share and grow.<br /><br /><strong><em>9. Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.</em></strong> I gained a sense of accomplishment when I could find the resources that he needed to understand and help him cope with my disease, however a sense of worth by care taking my husband, I would again have to say NO! So I have another personality trait I can say No too. WOW, I've improved over the years.<br /><br /><strong><em>10. Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries</em></strong>. I can set limits but the enforcing part I found difficult because I still allowed him to cheat and yell at me when I was not the person he was angry with. I know I need to work on enforcing interpersonal boundaries. There is a part of me that wants to fight for the vows I took, however I can't make another person keep their vows. This is an issue I recognize and need to work on. The first step is acknowledging there is a problem, and then the steps towards correcting the problem is another whole ball of yarn.<br /><br />11. <strong><em>Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways. </em></strong>I do not have difficulty expressing anger or the tendency to internalize it, I learned a long time ago to use the I word and complete sentences such as I am feeling angry because you are breaking your promise to stay faithful. I am feeling ugly because every time I go on a new treatment or have a flare-up you turn to other women. I would express my anger in venting sessions with my social worker and in writing therapy, such as this blog space. The psoriatic Arthritis likes anger or any extreme emotion, so I would have to find ways of calming myself, like asking myself questions, such as: is this my problem or someone elses, or is there anything I can really do about the issue facing the relationship or myself. I learned that I can only be accountable for myself, and if I choose to stay in an abusive relationship than I am accountable for the consequences I will face. Trust me, I really don't want to stay in this relationship, I have become active in seeking out a legal separation and have in my mind the date April 13, 2007 for the divorce.<br /><br /><strong><em>12. Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety.</em></strong> It is amazing the different views you get from people. Some would say you married him for better or worse, in good and bad times, and you just have to ignore his infidelity. Well to those dear to me, I was destroying myself for doing that. Putting his excuses and his behavior before my own sanity has made me sicker than I've ever felt in my life. So a word to those who do this, your emotional and physical safety is number one and compromising your own sanity is not worth the relationship at all.<br /><br /><strong><em>13. Belief that "it will change if I just try harder."</em></strong> Another characteristics that I used to have but in this relationship I did not. I know it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break the relationship, him and his girlfriends broke my relationship with him. Each day that passes I get stronger. I feel more confident that I am going to be OK and that I will be able to accomplish most of what I attempt to do. The belief that We needed to work on the relationship not just me was how I thought while I was living with him. Now, I am seeing I need to continue my journey without him and once everything is legal I will be able to do so with great optimism.<br /><br /><strong><em>14. Repeated attempts to leave the relationship. </em></strong>Does thinking about leaving count? Yes, it does! For the last year I have thought about leaving the relationship, however I never had the nerve to do it, I would convince myself that I could look past his transgressions. In reality, I was deluding myself.<br /><br /><strong><em>15. Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again. </em></strong>YES, YES, YES! This is a big problem that I find myself repeating in every serious relationship I have had. There are many reasons of which fear is the biggest one I know of. I am afraid of starting over again, afraid of the conflict, and afraid that something will happen health wise that makes me return to the scene of the crime. This does not empower me, it only compounds the victim role. I know that, however I am having a hard time feeling this reality. Maybe because I am scared.<br /><br /><em><strong>16. Clinical depression, self - medication</strong></em>. The nature of my illness can cause me to get depressed, it's a medical depression and no I do not self-medicate. Although I am on serious medication, I do not take more because the marriage is over. I do not believe in numbing your problems away. I do practice avoidance sometimes, however that is slowly changing. This is another issue that therapy helps. Talking to someone who can remain neutral is always a better way of coming to a clearer vision than self-medicating.<br /><br /><strong><em>17. Suicidal ideation or attempts</em></strong>. Thoughts of suicide has entered my mind when the pain is unbearable, however I would never attempt because I have learned to meditate and to focus on tomorrow rather then get swallowed up by sadness. I have never thought about suicide because of a guy, I don't think I ever will.<br /><br />Now, since I have gone through all the characteristics of a partner of and Abuser, I am coming to realize that I must cut all ties with this man. I have gone through periods of desiring to be mean and vindictive. However, now I see that there really isn't any point to doing such things. Life is too precious and too short to be vindictive. Although I did kick him out he has chosen to move on with et another woman. Will she put up with him like I did, who knows and who cares. I have to focus on healing thy self.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1147426242986137522006-05-12T02:04:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.492-08:00Saying GoodbyeIt's time, the time to say Goodbye to what was and what could be. When the bond between two becomes one and then that union is broken for one reason or another it is earth shattering. I didn't want us to come to this, I didn't want to face the future without you. However, I have been left no choice. You say never say never, however I do have to say never for now in order to move forward, in order to begin a new path.<br /><br />We all make choices in our lives and yes we have to live with those choices and the consequences they may bring. Most of the time we don't think about how these choices affect others but they do and I understand that so much. I am making a choice based on your choice to go outside our union. I have to make this decision in order to move forward with my life. I can not hold on to what could have been, I have to embrace the future.<br /><br />I have gone through the gamete of emotion, blaming, accusing, and feeling sorry for myself for all that has happened. You made the choice to turn towards someone else, and I now have to let you live with that choice, without me. I was bitter, I was clinging onto the hope that this was all a bad dream. I was blaming you and her for breaking a part the family and the dream.<br /><br />It doesn't matter anymore who is at fault, I know I have to go on without you and you have to go on without me. It was hard in the beginning, each day I wake up and it becomes a little bit easier to accept that your arms are not the one's that hold me when I tremble. I am mourning what could have been, I am mourning the marriage that had died. However, now I am able to make the steps necessary to move forward as I see that there is a new way of viewing the world, without you.<br /><br />She for whatever reason, said yes to you when she should have said no. She validated being the one who helped break the vows you and I took. I was obsessing on finding out why she did it, but no more, it doesn't matter. I just hope she can look in the mirror knowing that she is the reason why I can not be with you. I hope that when she looks at her own child she thinks of the children that she helped take you away from. Yes, I am angry and sad at the same time.<br /><br />You said forever, I now know that forever can never be and I will no longer be safe in your arms. I look at the divorce rate and wonder what is the point in taking the vows if we can so easily break them. In sickness and in health means nothing when in sickness you choose to run away into another's arms.<br /><br />Goodbyes are bitter, leaving a tainted sour taste in my soul. Time will heal and I will be able to pick up the shatter pieces to form a new path and journey maybe with someone else or maybe by myself. You are right, we don't know what the future holds, I just know that it is time to say goodbye.<br /><br />What I want I can no longer have, what I dream I can no longer dream, and what I see I can no longer see it coming true with you.<br /><br />The betrayal can no longer kiss my spirit and shatter my soul.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1147424638534830392006-05-12T02:02:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.425-08:00What is FriendshipHave you ever sat and wondered what does it mean to be a friend? How do we value our friends and do we value our own friendship capabilities?<br />When I think about how I am as a friend, I start to wonder if my perceptions are the same as those who I call friend? Today, I have reached out, I am wondering if I will be reaching into the valley of confusion and be able to hold onto the friends hand. the thought of being burdened comes to mind, however I again say that friendship is about caring the other's burden for a little while atleast until they are able to get their footing back.<br />Friendship is a cultural practice that binds people together on a love level that shapes our daily experiences. I am a friend, which translates into I love this person and am here for them as long as they wish to have me around. Yet, in giving do we find ouselves draining our own reserves or do we find ourselves filling up our reserves only to have them drained by others who identify their self as a friend yet are not.<br />What are our standards that define ourselves as friends? Can there be a standard that we check, whch says yes you can come sit on my heart?<br />I reach out, letting you know that I am feeling your heart's turmoil and all I can offer is an ear to listen a hand to hold and a whisper of hope that will help you see the beauty in today's moments.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1147424523593633322006-05-12T02:01:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.356-08:00Each DayHere I am writing again. Writing is a wonderful way of getting the garbage out of your system. For me this blog is going to be my therapy since I have lost the person I was suppose to be able to count on, my husband.<br />Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm scared BIG TIME! I'm on a treatment that has caused and does have severe side effects. I know for many reasons I have to end my marriage, my husband can't handle my disease, so he turned to another woman. He left me to be with someone who is healthy. Why is it that I have to be sick, to the point where everyone that is suppose to love me runs away from me? I don't understand what I can do. Everyone tells me to be strong, but I'm so tired of being strong, I struggle each day with trying to be strong and I am feeling more tired now than I did when I was dealing with so much pain.<br />I know and hear what people are saying that he doesn't deserve me, however I wish I could have someone to hold me to love me and to make me feel like everything is okay. I'm still hurting. I'm scared about tomorrow and I'm scared about what is going to happen if I have to go into the hospital again. What is it about life, always throwing me curve balls.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1147090828367204922006-05-08T05:07:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:33.286-08:00Marriage DiesOn April 13, 2006 I had enough! I realize that marriage is for better or for worse, but there comes a point where everyone says enough. Through the six years of being with this man, I was reminded constantly that I was inadequate and lacking the means necessary to be the perfect wife. Every day, in his own way I would be pushed out and reminded that I was not the one he held in his heart, in his mind, in his soul. The vows I took, committing me to him seemed to echo in my mind, trapped and alone because he did not want me anymore. I could see it in his eyes, the fire in his heart was gone.<br /><br />When I heard that he had another, someone who he turned to and left me a lone in my torment, I knew I could never have the dream of loving him, the hopes of being with him, and the promise of his heart, body, and soul being connected to me. He now belongs to someone else, who knew he was with me but didn't care enough to say no. He said he would never leave me, however he left me a long time ago, when he first ran to another woman's arms.<br /><br />Now, I have set him free to explore the world without me, to reach for the stars without me and to love without me. I take this time and pick up the broken pieces of my soul which has turned to dust, hoping I can find a pulse to grow again. His betrayal pierced my dreams, shattering them into little pieces, will love touch me the way it touched me with him? He opened my soul and let me share it only to smash it when he walked out the door.<br /><br />Each day I grow a little bit stronger, each day I learn how to see the colours of the sunset, yet the pain of his absence bites me, reminding me that what was is no more.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1132146716940069202005-11-16T05:10:00.000-08:002006-10-30T04:25:33.215-08:00Our Lost and Forgotten CitizensOver the last few weeks, most Canadians have heard, probably for the first time, the deplorable living conditions that our First Nations people have had to endure for years. The fact that their living conditions are similar to <strong><em>Third World existence</em></strong> is inexcusable. The fact that anyone in Canada has to live with contaminated drinking water should enrage every single citizien of Canada. Yet, for years, people living on the reservations, in Ontario, have had to live with these third world conditions. Our government has failed to provide any viable solution, and sweeps the many issues facing the First Nations People under the rug, sort to speak. Really, how can we say we are a <strong>first world country</strong> when we have thousands of Canadians living with no running or clean drinking water?<br /><br />In the Six Nations newspaper, Turtle Island News on November 9, 2005 reports of the same living conditions that have created a whole community up North to be evacuated are happening just an hour away. ONE HOUR, our neighbor's are living with 80% of their well water supply being contaminated with Ecoli or coliform bacteria, 312 homes are without running water, sodium levels are five times higher than the standards set by the environment ministry (Turtle News, p.2). This water study was done on March 4, 2004 and yet NOTHING has been done.<br /><br />Turtle Island News reported that Councilor Dave Hill wants to see a lobby effort launched. The Six Nation water treatment plant is over 20 years old and MUST be replaced. Do we have to evacuate all reservations before we start supporting our First Nation communities? There is no excuse for our Provincial and Federal government to let this situation remain in our country. Band-aid solutions do not fix the problem; they only let the contamination fester.<br /><br />Charity begins at home, and having clean drinking water should not be considered by any means a luxury. This problem will not go away unless we all take an active role in ensuring that the government provides the necessary funds to change the reservation water situation. Writing our MPP and MP is only a start but it is a powerful start.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1132041773248395282005-11-15T00:02:00.000-08:002006-10-30T04:25:33.150-08:00Daily wisdom<a href="http://magicwisdom.blogspot.com/2005/10/mystic-skies-tells-us-of-balance-we.html">Daily wisdom</a>Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1131270533501243062005-11-06T01:43:00.000-08:002006-10-30T04:25:33.049-08:00Aboriginal ImageFilling in the Gaps In Canada’s Cultural Scholarship<br /><br />Canada is identified as a nation without a unified history. Our nation’s social and historical conflicts have affected cultural groups’ value placement and interaction with other cultures. Most Canadians have acknowledged the historical contribution of the English and French in developing Canada. However, I would suggest there is a third group, the Aboriginal culture, which has significantly shaped our social landscape. Canadian scholars seeking to define Canada’s cultural identity should examine the value system that ignores the Native culture and locks Aboriginal people into a state of invisibility.<br /><br />The purpose of this paper is to discuss how Canada’s social network reinforces stereotypes that compound the isolation of Aboriginal communities. I will discuss how western literary standards misrepresent First Nation people and illustrate how social institutions, such as our education institutions, reinforce the devaluing practices that render Native people invisible. In addition, I will use Aboriginal women’s poetry to illustrate communities experiencing the decolonization process, yet are struggling to move out of the mourning stage. As we examine the power of poetry on both writer and reader, a common ground might begin to bridge the communication gaps between Native and non-Native Canadians. Canadians are seeking to define their self as a nation, and learning to appreciate Canadian Indigenous cultures might expand non-Natives’ perceptions by exposing us to alternative world-views.<br /><br /><br /><br /><strong>Literary Standards and Theories<br /></strong>Throughout Canada’s history, European standards have influenced our production of literature and how various cultures are represented, as well as who is acknowledged as good writers. I have several concerns with using western European standards and theories to analyzing Aboriginal literature. One concern I have is how the concept of good dictates the style of writing acceptable for publication. Another issue I have with western standards assigning value and meaning to images of Aboriginal people and their cultural practices. The dominant control over literature reflects a socially dysfunctional system that brands Canadian First Nations insignificant.<br /><br />Furthermore, literary theories that promote a standardized form of “good” Native authors argue are too restrictive. “Native writers have been creating new genres in Canadian English literature, but this fact has been largely missed by readers and critics” (LaRocque, 1990, p. xviii). Native literature is locked into a separate genre, which diminishes the value assigned to it. Hoy (2001), Grant (1990) and LaRocque (1990) explain western standards reject Native writers because their literature does not adhere to the dominant culture’s images and perceptions, rejection slips from publishers would: “read, ‘Not Indian enough” (LaRocque, 1990, xix)!<br /><br />In western literature, King, Calver, and Hoy (1985) explains that the unstable, yet fused relationship between the Natives and the Non-natives symbolically represents the early image of the Native in the European style of writing. The need for contemporary writers to depict the Native characters in a realistic presentation only emphasized the egocentric mentality of the Europeans. “Oral traditions have been dismissed as savage or primitive folklore. Such dismissal has been based on the self-serving colonial cultural myth that Europeans … were/ are more developed… “(Perrault and Vance, 1990, p. xvi). The practice to devalue, dismiss, and even render the oral tradition as being inferior to written text continues to be a serious problem for most Aboriginal people.<br /><br />However when using the deconstruction model to analyze oral traditions, we experience Native influences on European folk lore. Although there are some notable influences on European style literature by Aboriginal culture, the practice to marginalize Native people remains consistent. Western symbolism validates casting Native culture into the “Other” and outside the white dominant society.<br /><br />Another issue that Aboriginal writers have to contend with is the romanticization of their culture by the dominant society. The practice of assigning derogatory meaning onto Aboriginal communities restricts their ability to express their true self. Once again, “we [Aboriginal] were … rendered voiceless no matter how articulate we were” (Perreault and Vance, 1991, p. xvi). First Nation writers are forced to express their self in the European style, anything less is viewed as substandard. Regardless of how hard Native authors attempt to express their self, the dominant literary standards maintain polarized concepts such as good and bad, intellectual and illiterate, civilized and wild, the negative images are assigned to the Native people, especially throughout literature.<br /><br />For centuries, First Nation communities have struggled to move out of the oppressive social position, yet have great difficulty with changing their social status because of the dismissive treatment from the rest of Canadians. La Rocque explains that: Aboriginal social issues are not fully understood or accepted into the mainstream categories because: “in Canada, their [Native] words were literally and politically negated” (Perreault & Vance, 1991, p. i). Literature has significant political power and illustrates Canada’s power structure that continues to devalue Native literature and linguistics. Literature transcends every discipline and social system that affects how Canada’s cultural identity is crystallized.<br /><br />However, I have found some postmodern theories that begin the process of being inclusive and challenges the social stereotypes found in literature. For example, Feminist theories such as Elaine Showalter’s “feminist Critique” focus on women readers and writers. Although Showalter does not address cultural issues, the focus of her theory is directed to a group that has been oppressed by the dominant male culture. As Showalter explains the “feminist critique” is “like other kinds of critique it is historically grounded inquiry probes the ideological assumption of literary phenomena” (Showalter, 1992, 382). The primary objective in feminist theories is to expose the negative images and stereotypes that depict women as inferior and maintains men’s superior position. For the female author, the feminist critique examines the women author’s creativity and potential role in literature as well as the rest of Canada’s social systems.<br />In addition, Barnett, Gilbert, and Cain (2004) discuss some postcolonial literary critiques that challenge standards and assumptions, which also shape literature and society.<br /><div align="justify"><br /></div><blockquote>Works written by women are seen by some feminist critics as embodying<br />the experiences of the minority culture – or groups marginalized by<br />the dominant male culture. … Today FEMINIST CRITICISM influences every other<br />kind of criticism and has fundamentally altered the way we look at ourselves and<br />therefore our art (Barnett, Gilbert, & Cain, 2004, 115-16).<br /></blockquote><div align="justify"><br />Literature is one of our socially approved art forms that cross social and cultural barriers. Aboriginal writers are demanding to be a part of the literary discipline and social networks on their own terms. </div><div align="justify"><br /><strong>Universities and Publishing Companies Shirking Responsibility</strong><br />Social institutions such as Universities are in a powerful position to invoke change in the literary discipline and eventually change the social structure to become more inclusive. The reality is that our education system has promoted Aboriginal voicelessness. If universities actively examine Native literature, a process of change might ensue, which would include challenging mainstream stereotypes. Perreault and Vance (1991) argue that our education system has promoted the voicelessness of the Aboriginal people “due to the unconscionable failure of the Canadian education system to impart to Native youth basic reading and writing skills” (vixi). Universities and other social institutions need to, as King, Calver, and Hoy (1985) suggest break down “the traditional assumption of the Natives found in literature and illustrate how the Natives have influenced the white culture” (13). Universities have the political power to address the invisibility status that Aboriginal people have had to contend with throughout Canada’s history. </div><ul><li><br />In Ontario, there are twenty-one publicly funded universities that I called on October 11, 2005, to find out, which universities provide academic examination of Native culture. The following results illustrate the trend to omit Native studies as a viable discipline:<br />Trent University in Peterborough provides degrees in Native studies at the undergraduate, Master’s, and Doctrine levels. </li><li>There are four other universities that provide students the opportunity to obtain an undergraduate degree in Native studies, they include Lakehead, Nipissing, Laurentian, and McMaster has a partial program with humanities and or Canadian Studies.<br />There are no other university providing Master’s programs or Doctrine programs in Native studies </li><li>There are five universities that have some courses; they are Queens, Brock, Guelph, Waterloo, and Wilfred Laurier.<br />The majority of universities include Ottawa, Dominican, Carleton, Royal Military College, Ontario Art & Design, Ryerson, University of Toronto, York, Institution of Technology, Western, and Windsor do not provide any Native studies courses.<br /><br />With this in mind the question should be expressed; why haven’t the universities exercised their responsibility to both the Aboriginal communities and the Non-Aboriginal communities to eradicate the discrimination and invisibility status? </li></ul><p align="justify"><br />Also, publishers promote social stereotypes that perpetuate the invisibility status that affects Aboriginal culture. Hoy (2001) and Grant (1990) discuss that publishers’ focus on creating text that promotes stereotypes and maintains the capitalistic standards that focus on consumerism. Native writers have argues that the European standard reinforces the social practice of segregating minority groups. Grant (1990) argues that publishers and the discipline of literature has: “effectively precluded members of other culture groups from holding literary positions and also ensures a continuation of existing criteria” (p. 124). Canada’s literature is a reflection of Canada’s social system and visa versa. </p><p align="justify"><br />In reality Aboriginal culture might provide non-Native Canadians with alternative ways of perceiving their society and ultimately helps define Canada’s cultural identity. Publishers have the opportunity to bridge one of the oldest cultural gaps through the promotion of Aboriginal literature, non-Native citizens are challenged to re-think their understanding of their connection to Canada’s past, present, and future. “Native wisdom and points of view familiar to other Natives, reveals the beauty of the Native world, beauty rarely recognized by non-Native writers”(Grant, 1990, p. 125). Until the dominant group starts examining Aboriginal writers as producing “good” literature then the misconceptions that Aboriginal people need protecting and they do not have anything to give to the nation will continue to negatively affect Canada’s cultural identity. </p><p align="justify"><br />Moreover, publishers who promote alternative cultures might be in the position to dispel misconception that maintains the dominant group’s ignorance of the “Other” culture, which continues to shape Canada’s society. Grant (1990) contends that the literary field has a rigid tradition that segregates various ethnic, class, and gender groups. “This written tradition often overlooks Natives because Natives are not generally considered a living, contributing factor in all facets of Canadian society” (Grant, 1990, p.125). Embracing Aboriginal traditions and literature would provide Canadians with the opportunity to view their nation and the world through a different perspective. </p><p align="justify"><br /><strong>Decolonization through Grieving<br /></strong>The decolonization process provides Native communities with the opportunity to deconstruct social roles and expectations that are projected onto them by the dominant cultural groups. Poka Laenui (2005) explains in Process of Decolonization that the deconstruction process is more than reclaiming cultural identity; it is a political movement that affects the whole community by challenging stereotypes and gain self control. The decolonization process includes stages such as:<br /></p><blockquote>1) Rediscovery and Recovery, 2) Mourning, 3) Dreaming, 4) Commitment, and 5)<br />Action. Each phase can be experienced at the same time or in various<br />combinations. Like the steps of colonization, these phases of decolonization do<br />not have clear demarcations between each other (Laenui, 205, p. 2).<br /><br /></blockquote><p align="justify">The decolonization process can only be realized when the negative and subversive images are deconstructed and all phases have been worked through. </p><p align="justify"><br />Moreover, multicultural counseling literature has helped illustrate the devastating effects of the grieving process that affects both Native individuals and communities. Due to the practice of repressing Aboriginal worldview, religious belief systems, and language differences by the dominant group: “many suffer for many years” (Olson, 2003, p. 109). In the mourning process, I felt it necessary to identify the various stages. Dayton (2004) in Heartland explains that the mourning process has stages which are: “1) Numbness, 2) yearning and searching, 3) disorganization, anger, and despair, 4) reorganization or integration” (p. 2). These stages are similar to the decolonization process because there is no specific order in which they occur. </p><p align="justify"><br />The numbness stage of mourning: “is a period of emotional numbness … [The Survivor] may try and deny the extent of the impact of the loss in an effort to make it feel less threatening and more manageable” (Dayton, 2005, p. 1). In Molly Chisaakay’s (1990) poem “Existing beyond Fear” illustrates emotional numbness being used on a personal level. The narrator cries out: “Reach for me as I lay numb/ thoughtless, / heartless, faceless/ the cries, silences, dry tears, I am a Tomb” (Chisaakay, 1990, p. 28). The use of the word tomb enables the reader to “feel” the personal isolation that the narrator experiences on a daily basis. </p><p align="justify"><br />Also, the emotional numbness is felt at the community level. Chisaakay’s poem “Waiting” illustrates how numbness has affected the Native community.<br /></p><blockquote>She never asked what it is / that makes systems inconsistent /<br />Or who is to<br />blame, where does justice begin or end? /…<br />Poverty permeates every area of<br />the system /<br />Where there is no economic, social, political infusion, or is<br />it intrusion? /<br />The poverty reigns, and the waiting is /<br />What they all<br />talk about. /<br />It becomes a long wait (Chisaakay, 1990, p. 29)<br /></blockquote><p align="justify"><br />Again the isolation felt is depicted by the word waiting that illustrates the Aboriginal communities’ isolation from being fully accepted into Canada’s social network.<br />Another stage of mourning is called the yearning and searching stage, which: “is marked by a yearning for the lost object (person, situation, and searching for it in other people, place” (Dayton, 2004, p. 2). Chisaakay’s (1990) “The Elder’s Drum” depicts the yearning of Aboriginal traditions in:<br /></p><blockquote>The smoke rises from the sacrificial fire.<br />The circle is getting bigger, and<br />many share hope<br />… My love for the people in the circle exuberates,<br />The<br />many other times I have shared these rituals (p. 27).<br /><br /></blockquote><p align="justify">The situation that Chisaakay illustrates in her poem is the yearning to reconnect to a past time and re-connect with her heritage, the rituals, and her Native people.<br />The disorganization, anger, and despair phase is a highly volatile stage of the mourning process. Dayton (2004) warns that: “when someone is stuck in unresolved anger, it can seriously undermine intimate and professional relationships” (p. 3). Heighten acts of violence created by the feelings of disillusionment, as well as the self destructive behaviour associated with this stage might be a common theme. </p><p align="justify"><br />Again, Poet, Emma La Rocque (1990) illustrates a sense of despair in her poem “Loneliness” that has been identified as a part of the inner-self. The narrator proclaims: “Ah Loneliness, / How would I know/ who I am/ without you?” (p. 148). The isolation that has turned to despair is recognized as a part of the self that brings a sense of hollowness and is a part of a person’s self-identity. There is a sense of disconnection, which the person or community may experiences as they attempt to connect to objects or a time period. Another poet, Alice Lee (1990) illustrates the emotional displacency in “Child’s Play”. In the lines: “the child sits on the toy shelf / watching the sleeping doll on the bed”, this line emphasizes the disconnection experienced by the people (p. 159). The inner child that: “sits on the toy shelf / watching” (p. 159) illustrates the sense of being put on display. </p><p align="justify"><br />One more stage of mourning is known as the reorganization and integration process, Dayton explains that this process will affect how people: “accept feelings of disruption, sadness, yearning, and fear as part of the loss” (5). This stage is a process of identifying, re-evaluating, and implementing experiences and traditions that are either positive or negative. Aboriginal communities have been attempting to work through this stage by re-connecting to their Native traditions and enhance their sense of self. Ultimately this re-evaluating stage might help bridge the gaps between Native and non-Native people, which could improve Canada’s identity. </p><p align="justify"><br />Dayton (2004) identifies that a person or community working through the re-organization and integration stage changes their thinking about their life and their environment. “They come to terms with their powerlessness over the situation and restore their emotional equilibrium” (Dayton, 2004, p. 6). The emotional equilibrium found in Aboriginal poems illustrates a turning back to the ancestral beliefs, which connect the people to nature. Although they may be powerless in some situations, the Aboriginal people accept they are not powerless in every situation. </p><p align="justify"><br /><strong>Aboriginal Women’s Power through Poetry</strong><br />Poetry has many properties that empower both the woman as poet and as reader, thus affecting self-perceptions, as well as removing stereotypes. For example, the act of writing as Marilyn Dumont states, “I write for my own sanity, not for the art’s sake” (41). Dumont illustrates the self-determination that provides an example of empowering qualities found in writing. Emma La Rocque explains that:<br /></p><blockquote>Writing is the art of bringing to birth the human condition in thought form …<br />[La Rocque feels] In fact, I see no necessary disconnection between being a<br />scholar and a poetic writer, or a poet. … The words of poetry are closet/<br />closeted to one’s inner being” (143).<br /></blockquote><p align="justify"><br />The ability to express and connect with the inner-self empowers women to feel whole, because they can acknowledge events and experiences.<br />Native and non-Native women connect through the common “self-fulfilling prophecy” that affects how their self-confidence is developed. Aboriginal women poets reach out to other Natives and non-Native women, expressing what it means to be a woman. SkyBlue Mary Morin:<br /></p><blockquote>Since finding her Native roots as that of Cree ancestry, she has begun to use<br />her Indian name with pride. She walks a spiritual path in life and gives thanks<br />to the many blessings from the Creator, her writing being one of them (213). </blockquote><ul><li><br /><br />Morin (1990) reconnects to her internal power by acknowledging her native roots and sharing her personal power with her readers. The way Aboriginal women associate with their environment, understand their social roles, and express their experiences helps remove the veil of silence, which helps bridge the communication gaps. Poetry is a powerful medium that continues to help non-Native and Native women unite as they learn to understand each other’s roles in society.<br /><br /><strong>Conclusion<br /></strong>To conclude this paper, I would strongly recommend that Canadian Scholars re-examine the value they place on system that maintains the dominant culture’s control over Aboriginal communities. Canadian social institutions like universities should take an active roll in promoting alternative cultures and challenge social misconceptions that have devalued native culture. Scholars have an obligation to society to deconstruct oppressive practices that segregate Canadian Native communities. Since western societies value written text and literature has the ability to transcend time, disciplines, and social systems then literature has an enormous power in shaping social categories that keeps Aboriginal people silent. Native and non-Native Intellectuals must move past the practice of ghettoization of Native literature and embrace the humanizing qualities expressed in the various literary pieced written by the good Canadian and Native authors.<br /><br /> <strong> Bibliography</strong><br /><br /><br />Barnett S., G. Reid & Cain W. (2004) <em>Writing about Literature</em>, Toronto: Person<br />Longman.<br /><br />Chisaakay M., The Elders Drum. In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed) (1990) <em>Writing the<br />Circle</em> (pp. 27-28) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Chisaakay M., Existing Beyond Fear. In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed) (1990) <em>Writing the<br />Circle</em>, (p. 28) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Chisaakay M., Waiting. In Perreault J. & Vance S. (1990) <em>Writing the Circle</em> (p.29)<br />Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Daly M., The Looking Glass Society. In Loades A.(ed)(1990), <em>Feminist Theology</em><br />(pp.189-194) Kentucky: Westminster.<br /><br />Dayton T. (2004) The Four Stages of Grief and Mourning. In <em>Heartland</em>, website:<br /><a href="http://home/">http://home/</a>.Datawest.net/esn-recovery/dee/grief/stages.htm, received: March 3, (p.7).<br /><br />Dumont M., Spring Breathing. In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed)(1990), <em>Writing the Circle:<br />Native Women of Western Canada</em> (p. 41) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Grant A., Contemporary native Women’s Voices in Literature In New W., (ed)(1990),<br /><em>Native Writers and Canadian Writing</em>, (pp. 124-132) Vancouver: UBC press.<br /><br />Hoy H. (2001), <em>How could I read these?</em>, Toronto: University of Toronto press.<br /><br />King T., C. Calver, and H. Hoy, (ed) (1985) <em>The Native in Literature</em>, Lethbridge:<br />University of Lethbridge.<br /><br />Laenui P.(2004), Processes of Decolonization, website:<br />http:// twm.co.nz.coldecol_Laemui.html. received March 1, 2005, p.8.<br /><br /><br />La Rocque E., “Loneliness,” In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed) (1990), <em>Writing the Circle:<br />Native Women of Western Canada</em>, (p.148) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br /><br />Lee A., Child’s Play. In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed)(1990), Writing the Circle:<br />Native Women of Western Canada, (p. 159) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Morin, S. “Ahow, Holy Woman,” In Perreault J. & Vance S. (ed) (1990), Writing the<br />Circle: Native Women of Western Canada, (p.213) Alberta: NeWest Publishers Ltd.<br /><br />Perreault and Vance, (ed) (1991) Writing the Circle: Native Women of Western Canada,<br />Alberta: NeWest Publication.<br /><br />Showalter E.(1979), Towards a Feminist Poetics. In M. Humm (ed.)(1992), Modern<br />Feminisms, (pp. 381-284) New York: Columbia University press..</li></ul>Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1130562628438336772005-10-28T21:54:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:32.977-08:00MarriageI'm married and what does that mean?<br />I'm sitting here at 12: 56am and wondering what the heck am I doing with this man!??!!!<br />Seriously, I have a big point of contension with him and I don't understand why he doesn't get it!<br />He wants a "normal wife" why did he want me? I have health issues that I have to contend with, yet he doesn't want to support me. Treatment needs to be applied, yet he doesn't want to help me there? So, when does he?<br /><br />How do I get him to get it? I feel like I'm banging my head. I've talked to him, and I know I have also talked at him. I've done therapy with him and without him. Yet, he doesn't get it.<br />Tonight was a perfect example, I know I over did it. However, he didn't say anything about me painting the bathroom all by myself... now I am suffering with swollen hands and legs, even my patches on my lower back are swollen. When it comes to apply streriod cream onto my patches I need help. I ask for him to do it, he sighs, making me feel like I am inconveniousing him. Tonight, I was in tears, I asked again to get my patches done, and I had to wait for him to have a smoke and drink his pop before he would do it.. Again, I have to wait for him to do it when he wants to but he doesn't want to .... I need it done but he doesn't want to do it. Where is the marriage?<br /><br />He knew, yet says that he didn't realize how my deterioration was going to affect me. He thought he could handle it, yet he admits he can't.......... so then why stay with me?<br />All I know is that I need my treatment and I need someone to apply it.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1130395704018980472005-10-26T22:32:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:32.906-08:00Babbling ThoughtsHas it ever occurred to you that during a specific time of night, when we can't sleep that the mind goes off like an alarm ? This going to be one of my nights where an hour does the trick. I spent the early part of the evening going over my article that I am presenting at the Canadian conference, I am both excited and terrified! Anyways, my paper started me thinking about my thesis paper, playing with ideas and topics.<br />Papers on the Aboriginal world view, seeking understanding could be one title. I have other titles in my head, now being put on appear. How can we truly understand what it means to be Canadian if we are so wrapped into the illusion of dreams?<br /><br />On further expanding this idea, I think I want to do a comparison analysis of western perceptions and Native perceptions that would include world view Canadian Aboriginal culture past and present. This could document transitional events and explain the significance.<br /><br />I am also interested in discussing Native systems and their dynamics and reasoning behind the various social structure. What makes man and women's roles? The list is endless so I am going to really have to figure this out.<br /><br />I told my prof what I wanted to do and it is going to be interesting.<br /><br />Topics that I want to examine include: What do Native women want? We talk about Aboriginal women being the most oppressed culture in Canada, so focusing on the Native facelessness may give way to more dialogue between natie and non-Natives. What would I name this?<br />Speaking with Wisdom?<br />Could I or should I just focus on secondary sources, such as books and film? I think we need to explore a culture traditions and illustrate how the culture has survived or changed from the tradition. Can we modernize the tradition? Are First Nations people re-evaluating their traditions and putting a modern spin onto their culture, thus bringing a deeper understanding of thier own history? I will keep thinking about this stuff.Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1129627238715947122005-10-18T02:20:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:32.784-08:00Mystic skies tells us of the balance we are desiring yet are still searching in the wrong place <a href='http://picasa.google.com/blogger/' target='ext'><img src='http://photos1.blogger.com/pbp.gif' alt='Posted by Picasa' border='0' style='border:0px;padding:0px;background:transparent;' align='absmiddle'></a><br /><a href='http://photos1.blogger.com/img/126/8366/640/mystic%20skies.jpg'><img border='0' style='border:2px solid #660066; margin:2px' src='http://photos1.blogger.com/img/126/8366/320/mystic%20skies.jpg'></a>Magic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17985549.post-1129619248967845082005-10-18T00:07:00.000-07:002006-10-30T04:25:32.716-08:00<a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4876/1748/1600/37%20sunsettwigs.jpg"><img style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; CURSOR: hand" height="153" alt="" src="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4876/1748/320/37%20sunsettwigs.jpg" width="320" border="0" /></a><br />Over the su mmer I spent a lot of time going out at dusk to find the sun sing its farewell song. Many of the pictures I shot around Welland Ontario have been viewed by others in Welland, and they were suprised by the small city's beauty. I began to wonder why do we get so detached from our surroundings. I know I know, people say they are too busy to stop, yet a sunset is gone within 5 minutes. Are we programmed to the point, socially anyways, that we can not take five minutes a day to stand in the magic of the sun's final dance of the day? Have we become so hard that we fear the final song? What is the final song, should we mourn it or should we celebrate its magic, its dance, its final statement that speaks to our soul?<br /><br />This is the time, I speak to the young at heart, the dreamer, and those souls that are search. Each of the colours represent a moment in time, a thought or emotion that binds you to that moment. It comes in the form of a whisper and most of the time we are too busy to listen to the powerful message sent from the mystic. Hey, I'm here, and you are my witness that I have existed, this is the sunset's message. The colours are created in a magical dance captivating our hearts and spirit, are you ready to listen? Can you feel your soul reaching out to the magnitude of the moment, connecting you to the universe? I am the sun's keeper and this is the magic I bring.<br /><br />Let the warmth speak to you and you will in turn feel the knowledge of life flow and caress your spirit put what is important back into your existence. Crave the beauty found in this moment and share it only makes the moment grow with the passion that has been lost in our daily existence. Become the sun's keeper so that other's will benifit from your connection. The magic is in the power of connection, the moment on which you share with thos you touch unknowingly each day. The price is your soul that has been shrinking because of the disconnection.<br /><br />I haveMagic Wisdomhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06993062826404159880noreply@blogger.com0