Friday, August 18, 2006

Now what?

It's 3:04am and I'm sitting here trying to figure out, now what?
The six years it has taken to get here and the person I thought I was going to celebrate with I can't even tell him. Now what?

I know I'm going to move forward, it's just weird that the forward I envisioned no longer exists. Now what?
I am numb, I am numb, what direction? I don't know, now what?

This is a time for celebration, I just don't want to get into it right now, but for the kids I have to put on a "happy face" Now what? Every friggin dream I had has been stripped from me and I am pissed that again happiness is illuded. Now what?

I'm going to sit here and wait maybe I will get the answer to now what.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Another day

Another day has come and gone. I've had somewhat of a productive day, however my thoughts keep drifting to time shared, laughter, and even dreams. It is amazing when things go a muck , like they sometimes do, how much pain can be created.

I don't understand how people can intentionally hurt others, especially children, when they say they love them. I have come to realize that I am having to get comfortable with being a lone again. It's not that bad, it's just a different journey this time. Sure, I can say I miss a few things, however, I can not say I miss the lies and the tears.

My birthday is coming up and I don't know how to approach it this time. I don't know if I just want to be alone. There are so many changes going on this time that I sometimes feel like I can't breath. My oldest daughter is about to embark on her adult journey. I'm happy with these pulses of growth that seem to be happening, however they are wrapped with a little bit of sadness because I will miss her deeply.

The walls sometimes feel like they are closing in. Doors are closing all around me and I don't know which way to turn, maybe I should try? So, I stay cocooned in a state of existence that leaves me feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I need to get the world to stop spinning right now just so that I can breath and think about what path I should take. It's scarey. However, I know I must take the step and there is a part of me that feels that the future will be interesting. Maybe it's just hope speaking, I don't know.

I know when I look in the mirror, I'm looking into the dreams of what once was and the possibilities of what could have been. I have become the shadow that no one wants and tired of being told it will get better.