Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Vulnerable Life

Life, they say is precious! What have you done with your? Mine, I can tell you, has reaffirmed the fragile essence of each day. I have become a pro at walking the tight rope; yet there is always the fear that I am going to fall. I used to look at my partner for the strength. I needed to keep walking the tight rope. Now I walk on my own enjoying the movement of my spirit, which flickers and swirls in each of my steps. I have learned that each day has the open possibility that is woven into the tightrope as I move along.

I noticed though when I look up from the tightrope, I see in the horizon may tighropes coming together; their colours amplied by the sunlight, the cascading colours of the day's sunset. I can close my eyes, if not just for a moment, and feel my tightrope intertwinning with others and making the rope expand. I no longer fear me falling.

Each day is filled with precious moments that weave the fibers of my rope enabling it to grow. The people around me either learn to see their own tight rope or they fear their own vulnerablity. Some people have come into our lives trying to break our connection with our work of creating the tight rope, others fear our ability to create because it forces them to see their own imperfections. Some people try to convince us that we can not survive without them and their words are empty with promises and dreams. Their dreams are empty when we actually have time to look at them, their purpose is to confuse and distract us from our fragile connection to life itself.

Find people who understand the vulnerablity that consists in life and you will find a person who can share is making your tight rope stronger. In the sea of human existence you will find many who do not understand and only want to consume life's precious moments, creating chaos. Those who understand Karma understand that those people who create chaos will recieve chaos and their lives will be filled with uncertantity and emptiness.

Life is precious the road will never be straight for anyone of us but all we can hope for is someone to relate to the vulnerability that you are experiencing and maybe just maybe you will be lucky enough to share the happiness that you feel as the tight rope gains more fibers of experiences.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Six months

Six months of seperation, six months of trying to rediscover my own identity. It may seem like no time for some, however, for me, I can say that six months is a new lifetime. I have come to realize that I am so much better off emotionally without him. He was an *%*@(*$@ but then again don't we say that about all our ex's. He's probably describing me as the same, but I know different. I'm not the one who screwed around and I'm not the one who destroyed dreams. So, I am not the one who bears the shame and guilt of this marriage dieing.

Anyways, I am the one who will grow from this experience. I am the one who has learned to not get suckered in again by anyone and that if I do help a friend that I make sure that the limits are placed on the amount of help I provide. I will not let just anyone hold that title of friend. I will not let someone move in with me and stay until they drain me and my family then just throw me aside.

I realize that I am worth more than I have accepted in the past, and that I regardless of my health deserve to be respected and cherished. I am a gift to this world, like so many others, I forgot that and became a piece of flesh to be used and abused and then discarded. Life is more than that and I am now in the head space where I can see that life is more than the superficial or the physical, at least it is for me.

I can feel my heart skipping through each day, although my body isn't do the same, I can get work done and I can feel good about what is going on. I laugh at the fact that I put up with stuff I normally wouldn't. I have learned that I can not compromise my values and he was a BIG COMPROMISE. Oh well, live and learn I say.. live and learn. ...

Another six months and I can get rid of all residue that is associated with him and really have a party. A divorce Party what a novel idea!

Friday, August 18, 2006

Now what?

It's 3:04am and I'm sitting here trying to figure out, now what?
The six years it has taken to get here and the person I thought I was going to celebrate with I can't even tell him. Now what?

I know I'm going to move forward, it's just weird that the forward I envisioned no longer exists. Now what?
I am numb, I am numb, what direction? I don't know, now what?

This is a time for celebration, I just don't want to get into it right now, but for the kids I have to put on a "happy face" Now what? Every friggin dream I had has been stripped from me and I am pissed that again happiness is illuded. Now what?

I'm going to sit here and wait maybe I will get the answer to now what.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Another day

Another day has come and gone. I've had somewhat of a productive day, however my thoughts keep drifting to time shared, laughter, and even dreams. It is amazing when things go a muck , like they sometimes do, how much pain can be created.

I don't understand how people can intentionally hurt others, especially children, when they say they love them. I have come to realize that I am having to get comfortable with being a lone again. It's not that bad, it's just a different journey this time. Sure, I can say I miss a few things, however, I can not say I miss the lies and the tears.

My birthday is coming up and I don't know how to approach it this time. I don't know if I just want to be alone. There are so many changes going on this time that I sometimes feel like I can't breath. My oldest daughter is about to embark on her adult journey. I'm happy with these pulses of growth that seem to be happening, however they are wrapped with a little bit of sadness because I will miss her deeply.

The walls sometimes feel like they are closing in. Doors are closing all around me and I don't know which way to turn, maybe I should try? So, I stay cocooned in a state of existence that leaves me feeling everything and nothing at the same time. I need to get the world to stop spinning right now just so that I can breath and think about what path I should take. It's scarey. However, I know I must take the step and there is a part of me that feels that the future will be interesting. Maybe it's just hope speaking, I don't know.

I know when I look in the mirror, I'm looking into the dreams of what once was and the possibilities of what could have been. I have become the shadow that no one wants and tired of being told it will get better.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

This is me

Gail, me and Mom and hey you and MagicWisdom these are just a few positive names that I have assigned to the face known as ME.

Who is me? Well I'm 43 and will be 44 on September 1, yes that makes me a virgo. I like to create, and push my mind to explore new things and concepts.

I am very selective regarding who I call friend, and I normally help as much as I can if my friends need it.
I am recently seperated and although I'm trying to look at this as a growth period, it can become overwhelming because of the changes that are occuring with my surroundings.

I would say that right now, I am not in the market for anything serious, however, I am opened to possibilities to see what and where they take me. Life is a series of doors, which one must have the courage to open. I have told the kids I have a new motto, "Don't cure me just love me" I think most of what I experienced in my marriage is that my husband wanted to fix me and found out that he couldn't. In reality what I showed him is that he needed a lot of fixing and he couldn't do that either, so he ran. I'm not as bitter as I was in the beginning. I realise that the woman he is with is very insecure, because she felt it was important to tell me she was with him. and had been insecure with the way their relationship began, all I can say is once a cheater always a cheater, and she doesn't know everything that he has done since he has left me. Oh well, it's not my problem anymore.

Now, I'm seeking a new path one that enables me to find my creativity again, find my passion again and find new adventures. Each day is a baby step in life as I walk away from the old and embrace the new. I will admit that sometimes the vindictive side wants to come out and say stuff that is mean, but I bite my tongue.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


The story began in 1962 and still continues today, when I look back and analyze my relationships with men. I have had four significant relationships where in every one of the relationships, I have felt less than human. Where does this come from? I know my childhood is racked with various forms of abuse by my stepfather and so continues his legacy in the men I have chosen for partner. Each one in their own right mirrors my step-father in some way, it is my dysfunctional comfort zone, which I must break and I must forge through my own personal hell in order to truly be free. The Goddess in me has become silent with rage because of the continuous battery of words, abandonment, and disrespect these men have shown me. However, I have invited these fragments of childhood memories into my adult life, so I must take responsibility and learn from my experiences.

accountability begins with me! I must learn to identify the personality traits I need to change in order to become the woman screaming to be set free. I have been going to a site to learn what traits I have as a partner of Abusers. As I read through the list I began to shake, realizing I need to fix me in order to truly be a healthy person.

1. Intense need for love: I realize that now, my six year relationship has been showing reminents of the past. The need to be loved and the desire to hold onto love at any cost is not only destroying my own self worth, I am showing that behavior to my children. God, WHAT AM I DOING! I have justified staying in this relationship because my need for affection has consumed me once again, my insecurities are rearing their ugly head and enabling me to become blind to the fact that I don't matter. This is WRONG thinking!
So my first step is to identify what I've done to contribute to my own demise and move on.

2. Low Self-esteem: As a child, I grew up with comments of being stupid, feeling inadequate and helpless as one parent terrorized the family. I would grow up thinking that it was the enabler's fault because she didn't stop the physical, psychological, and sexual abuse. I began hating her until one day we had a long talk. I was changing physically, which forced me to re-evaluate the way I valued and viewed the world. I AM A SURVIVOR OF AN ALCHOLIC. However, I do not want to be a survivor I want to be a recovered and self assured individual. I realize that my low self-esteem is compounded by the psoriatic arthritis that has scared my body. Maybe my body is telling me something, that I need to heal from the inside out and if I feel ugly on the inside and not important than it is going to show on the outside. In my recent marriage, I experienced bouts of low self-esteem, especially when I was starting a new drug, or having a medical crisis. Although he never came out and said, I am ugly, he sure made me feel it, especially when he would turn to other women for comfort. His excuse, it helped him escape the reality that I was sick. In reality he was compounding my sickness by turning to other women. When I begged for his touch and I was denied, he said he didn't want to hurt me, yet he continued to hurt me by withdrawing from me and turning to someone else. I was not good enough, pretty enough, or stimulating enough to keep his attention. I look back an shake my head. My disease is my immune system, my immune system is me, either you love my immune system and love me or you don't. He doesn't! I need to Let Him Go!

3. Drug or Alcohol Dependence. I can say I don't drink, but where do we draw the line on what we are talking about when it comes to the drugs, caffeine, smoking, ect. Am I one of THOSE people? As, I take another drag of my cigarette and blow the smoke out, sipping on Apple juice for a change. Coffee, is for later, first thing in the morning. Yet there is another addiction, food became a comfort zone for me. I realized that and now, it is viewed as life's nutrients and no more. The emotional attachment I associated with food is a craving no more. When I do crave, I acknowledge it as a craving and move on.

4. A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse. Well this one is a big fat YES YES YES. I am on a journey of understanding and enlightenment as I see the connection between my relationships and my childhood. I have gotten away from the physically abusive relationships and now am working on the emotional and sexual abuse. I should never feel like I have to beg for touch, for affection, or even beg to be made love too. This has happened so much in this relationship that is now coming to a close, it is maddening and again I feel like such an idiot for putting up with it.

5. ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.) My step-father was an alcoholic, I can put him in the past because he is no longer among the living, at least physically he is not. However he lives in me and this is what I have to shake. I need to learn how to become unpossessed by my childhood. This is work in progress, and I will be discussing this one at great lengths with my therapist.

6. Codependent personality disorder and / or Love addiction. I can say, this one I don't have! I loved being a single mom, it took me awhile and when my husband first came up, he asked me to marry him and I said no. I just wanted to stay friends and not get into anything with anyone. Over time that changed because I ended up falling in love with him and marrying him. I married him because he made me laugh, he challenged my thinking and for the most part encouraged me to pursue my dreams. In the beginning he was attentive, however my deterioration was not at the point it was now. There was a future, a positive one at least that is what I thought, boy was I doing some serious wishful thinking! Instead of enjoying the good days and working through the bad days, hubby would run and I guess because I was afraid of what was going on with my body I became codependent. I would fall, I would shake, and I would fight the razor blade sensation that would consume my body. I tried to ignore the infidelity, people would say women have been doing it for years. No wonder a lot of women deal with self-esteem issues. I've been told I am strong you don't need him, yet I find myself wanting him and not doing my own running away. I know my marriage is over, yet there is this overwhelming desire to have what is not good for you.

7. Enforced isolation creating resentment. Although he did not create the isolation I experienced, he accepted it and would leave me, alone in our room. It was just easier for him to do the groceries by himself because we would have to take the wheelchair. Even when I did go shopping with him, he would leave me in the middle of the isle, reinforcing my isolation and the fact that I needed him in order to survive. However, the light is here, at the end of the tunnel. I now have in place various social and community support that enables me to continue on with my work, I am ending this relationship on a positive note, which means I can be proud of my accomplishments, I can appreciate my physical limitations, and I no longer struggle with being physically or psychologically locked in my room. I was locking myself in and now I'm setting myself free.

8. Strong need for a relationship to validate them. WOW! Finally one personality trait I can say I can not relate to. In the past I would say, yes I thought being in a relationship was validating me but now I can truly say NO WAY. I am me healing, I don't need to be in a relationship to feel like a person. Relationships are suppose to be a complementing thing that makes both people feel good and share and grow.

9. Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser. I gained a sense of accomplishment when I could find the resources that he needed to understand and help him cope with my disease, however a sense of worth by care taking my husband, I would again have to say NO! So I have another personality trait I can say No too. WOW, I've improved over the years.

10. Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries. I can set limits but the enforcing part I found difficult because I still allowed him to cheat and yell at me when I was not the person he was angry with. I know I need to work on enforcing interpersonal boundaries. There is a part of me that wants to fight for the vows I took, however I can't make another person keep their vows. This is an issue I recognize and need to work on. The first step is acknowledging there is a problem, and then the steps towards correcting the problem is another whole ball of yarn.

11. Difficulty expressing anger, tendency to internalize it, act it out in other ways. I do not have difficulty expressing anger or the tendency to internalize it, I learned a long time ago to use the I word and complete sentences such as I am feeling angry because you are breaking your promise to stay faithful. I am feeling ugly because every time I go on a new treatment or have a flare-up you turn to other women. I would express my anger in venting sessions with my social worker and in writing therapy, such as this blog space. The psoriatic Arthritis likes anger or any extreme emotion, so I would have to find ways of calming myself, like asking myself questions, such as: is this my problem or someone elses, or is there anything I can really do about the issue facing the relationship or myself. I learned that I can only be accountable for myself, and if I choose to stay in an abusive relationship than I am accountable for the consequences I will face. Trust me, I really don't want to stay in this relationship, I have become active in seeking out a legal separation and have in my mind the date April 13, 2007 for the divorce.

12. Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical safety. It is amazing the different views you get from people. Some would say you married him for better or worse, in good and bad times, and you just have to ignore his infidelity. Well to those dear to me, I was destroying myself for doing that. Putting his excuses and his behavior before my own sanity has made me sicker than I've ever felt in my life. So a word to those who do this, your emotional and physical safety is number one and compromising your own sanity is not worth the relationship at all.

13. Belief that "it will change if I just try harder." Another characteristics that I used to have but in this relationship I did not. I know it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break the relationship, him and his girlfriends broke my relationship with him. Each day that passes I get stronger. I feel more confident that I am going to be OK and that I will be able to accomplish most of what I attempt to do. The belief that We needed to work on the relationship not just me was how I thought while I was living with him. Now, I am seeing I need to continue my journey without him and once everything is legal I will be able to do so with great optimism.

14. Repeated attempts to leave the relationship. Does thinking about leaving count? Yes, it does! For the last year I have thought about leaving the relationship, however I never had the nerve to do it, I would convince myself that I could look past his transgressions. In reality, I was deluding myself.

15. Inability to follow through with leaving - return to the abuser again and again. YES, YES, YES! This is a big problem that I find myself repeating in every serious relationship I have had. There are many reasons of which fear is the biggest one I know of. I am afraid of starting over again, afraid of the conflict, and afraid that something will happen health wise that makes me return to the scene of the crime. This does not empower me, it only compounds the victim role. I know that, however I am having a hard time feeling this reality. Maybe because I am scared.

16. Clinical depression, self - medication. The nature of my illness can cause me to get depressed, it's a medical depression and no I do not self-medicate. Although I am on serious medication, I do not take more because the marriage is over. I do not believe in numbing your problems away. I do practice avoidance sometimes, however that is slowly changing. This is another issue that therapy helps. Talking to someone who can remain neutral is always a better way of coming to a clearer vision than self-medicating.

17. Suicidal ideation or attempts. Thoughts of suicide has entered my mind when the pain is unbearable, however I would never attempt because I have learned to meditate and to focus on tomorrow rather then get swallowed up by sadness. I have never thought about suicide because of a guy, I don't think I ever will.

Now, since I have gone through all the characteristics of a partner of and Abuser, I am coming to realize that I must cut all ties with this man. I have gone through periods of desiring to be mean and vindictive. However, now I see that there really isn't any point to doing such things. Life is too precious and too short to be vindictive. Although I did kick him out he has chosen to move on with et another woman. Will she put up with him like I did, who knows and who cares. I have to focus on healing thy self.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Saying Goodbye

It's time, the time to say Goodbye to what was and what could be. When the bond between two becomes one and then that union is broken for one reason or another it is earth shattering. I didn't want us to come to this, I didn't want to face the future without you. However, I have been left no choice. You say never say never, however I do have to say never for now in order to move forward, in order to begin a new path.

We all make choices in our lives and yes we have to live with those choices and the consequences they may bring. Most of the time we don't think about how these choices affect others but they do and I understand that so much. I am making a choice based on your choice to go outside our union. I have to make this decision in order to move forward with my life. I can not hold on to what could have been, I have to embrace the future.

I have gone through the gamete of emotion, blaming, accusing, and feeling sorry for myself for all that has happened. You made the choice to turn towards someone else, and I now have to let you live with that choice, without me. I was bitter, I was clinging onto the hope that this was all a bad dream. I was blaming you and her for breaking a part the family and the dream.

It doesn't matter anymore who is at fault, I know I have to go on without you and you have to go on without me. It was hard in the beginning, each day I wake up and it becomes a little bit easier to accept that your arms are not the one's that hold me when I tremble. I am mourning what could have been, I am mourning the marriage that had died. However, now I am able to make the steps necessary to move forward as I see that there is a new way of viewing the world, without you.

She for whatever reason, said yes to you when she should have said no. She validated being the one who helped break the vows you and I took. I was obsessing on finding out why she did it, but no more, it doesn't matter. I just hope she can look in the mirror knowing that she is the reason why I can not be with you. I hope that when she looks at her own child she thinks of the children that she helped take you away from. Yes, I am angry and sad at the same time.

You said forever, I now know that forever can never be and I will no longer be safe in your arms. I look at the divorce rate and wonder what is the point in taking the vows if we can so easily break them. In sickness and in health means nothing when in sickness you choose to run away into another's arms.

Goodbyes are bitter, leaving a tainted sour taste in my soul. Time will heal and I will be able to pick up the shatter pieces to form a new path and journey maybe with someone else or maybe by myself. You are right, we don't know what the future holds, I just know that it is time to say goodbye.

What I want I can no longer have, what I dream I can no longer dream, and what I see I can no longer see it coming true with you.

The betrayal can no longer kiss my spirit and shatter my soul.

What is Friendship

Have you ever sat and wondered what does it mean to be a friend? How do we value our friends and do we value our own friendship capabilities?
When I think about how I am as a friend, I start to wonder if my perceptions are the same as those who I call friend? Today, I have reached out, I am wondering if I will be reaching into the valley of confusion and be able to hold onto the friends hand. the thought of being burdened comes to mind, however I again say that friendship is about caring the other's burden for a little while atleast until they are able to get their footing back.
Friendship is a cultural practice that binds people together on a love level that shapes our daily experiences. I am a friend, which translates into I love this person and am here for them as long as they wish to have me around. Yet, in giving do we find ouselves draining our own reserves or do we find ourselves filling up our reserves only to have them drained by others who identify their self as a friend yet are not.
What are our standards that define ourselves as friends? Can there be a standard that we check, whch says yes you can come sit on my heart?
I reach out, letting you know that I am feeling your heart's turmoil and all I can offer is an ear to listen a hand to hold and a whisper of hope that will help you see the beauty in today's moments.

Each Day

Here I am writing again. Writing is a wonderful way of getting the garbage out of your system. For me this blog is going to be my therapy since I have lost the person I was suppose to be able to count on, my husband.
Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself and I'm scared BIG TIME! I'm on a treatment that has caused and does have severe side effects. I know for many reasons I have to end my marriage, my husband can't handle my disease, so he turned to another woman. He left me to be with someone who is healthy. Why is it that I have to be sick, to the point where everyone that is suppose to love me runs away from me? I don't understand what I can do. Everyone tells me to be strong, but I'm so tired of being strong, I struggle each day with trying to be strong and I am feeling more tired now than I did when I was dealing with so much pain.
I know and hear what people are saying that he doesn't deserve me, however I wish I could have someone to hold me to love me and to make me feel like everything is okay. I'm still hurting. I'm scared about tomorrow and I'm scared about what is going to happen if I have to go into the hospital again. What is it about life, always throwing me curve balls.